Posted 3-19-98

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a police officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

12. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

14. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead of me they are.

15. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

16. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

17. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

18. I wasn't tailgating officer, I was drafting.

You know it's going to be a bad day when.....

-you wake up face down on the pavement

-you put your bra or jockstrap on backwards and it fits better.

-you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

-your friend tells you that you have a tampon behind your ear...you panic because you can't remember where you put your pencil

-you are driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it a full city bus pulls along side of you. -your kids say "did you know that it is almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet".

-your horn goes on accidentally and remains stuck on as you follow a group of Hell's Angels down the highway.

-you wake up to realize that your water bed broke and then you remember you don't have a water bed

-the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

-you have finished having breakfast with all the executives and their wives. Before leaving to get to the office, you go to relieve yourself. You get there and discover your zipper is already open.

-you are in a hurry in the morning and grab your breakfast drink from refrigerator to only find out later it's your wife's urine sample.

-you offer your guests cream for their coffee only to discover it's breast milk.

-you loan your neighbor a new box of sugar....you husband comes in later and asks where the rat poison that was on the counter is...you look and the sugar is still there.

-your secretary takes you to a hotel room for your birthday...she goes into the bathroom to slip into something more comfy but returns with the whole office staff....you are sitting on the couch with only your socks on.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment. Normally one club and two balls

2. Play on course must be approved by the ower of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For the most effective play the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owers reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owers have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have the proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.

12. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the back side.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

14. It is considered an outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match if time is permitting.

Subject: Clinton

What did Arafat say to Clinton last night? "Sheep don't talk, my friend"

What did Clinton say when he heard Monica Lewenski talking to the press? "Now she opens her mouth!"

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

What's the best thing about being a female White House intern? All of the "hands on" experience!

Various Insights: Was Monica Lewinsky the "head intern" ?

Does this mean "BUSH" will finally defeat Clinton?

This is day three of Jailbate-gate for President Clinton-or as they are calling him now--the Unabanger.

Only President Clinton could divert attention from a sex scandal with another sex scandal.

Hillary's new book is entitled "It takes a Village to Keep and Eye on My Husband"

The President said "a year and a half affair with Lewinsky would have been impossible -- I would have become bored and cheated on her after six months."

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town.

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? He wants to be on top.

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? He married her.

How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? It Takes A Village!

How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A dead girlfriend.

Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? To promote off-shore drilling.

What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? Swallow the leader.

Famous presidential quotes:

-"Ich bin ein Berliner" John F Kennedy

-"I'm not a crook" Richard Nixon

-"Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev" Ronald Reagan

-"Read my lips" George Bush

-"Suck my !@#$" William J Clinton

Subject: TRUE STORY AND A GOOD LAUGH...

Cross my heart this happened to this who guy lives in Westchester,NY, and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.

He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately,this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.

They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

Dog Joke!

There was a little boy and he had to go to the bathroom and there was no bathrooms around so he went into the bushes, where he found two people doing it. That night he goes to his mom and says, "There were two people humping each other, what were they doing?" The mom replied, "Oh they are making babies." The next day he had to go to the bathroom so he went again to the bushes and there we two dogs doing it. That night he asked his mom what they were doing and she said, making puppies. So the next night he sees his parents doing it and he yells, Mom turn over I want a puppy!

Subject: Little Geoffrey

One day at the end of class little Geoffrey's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell his story, little Joey raises his hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Joey replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Heather ..."Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks Heather for the moral of the story. Heather replies: "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched".

Last is little Geoffrey ... "My Aunt Debbie fought in the Desert Storm war; her plane was shot down over enemy territory - she jumped out before it crashed, with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down she drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers. She shot 70 with her machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. The blade on her machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Geoffrey and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Geoffrey replies, "Yeah, don't !@#$ with Aunt Debbie when she's been drinking."

15 Reasons Why A Game Of Golf Is Better Than Sex!

1. You get compliments for quick play.

2. Nobody calls you names when you move on to the next hole.

3. Scratching your balls and farting is considered foreplay.

4. No names to remember, all the holes are numbered.

5. Unshaven, fat, old guys can score, same as young hunks.

6. Sand traps never ask you to use your credit cards.

7. Everyone gets a shot at the hole, you just have to wait your turn.

8. A hole in one is more satisfying than putting one in a hole.

9. Golf buddies don't use porno videos to show you what to do.

10. A $10 bet is cheaper than dinner and a motel.

11. In golf...3 inches, 6 inches, and 12 inches are all about the same.

12. Noise on a golf course won't wake the children.

13. You never hear the nuns voices in your head while you're playing golf.

14. A four iron won't get jealous when you stroke your putter.

15. A sub-par performance is something to shout about.

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES

* Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

* Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

* Miners Refuse to Work after Death

* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

* Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Lawyers

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr., you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" >

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

23. Q: "Do you know for a fact that God exists?" A: "No" Q: "Then why did you call God for help instead of 911 when you saw the deceased was shot? A: "It was an exclamation!"

24. Q: "Where was the deceased at the time of the shooting?" A: "In the way of the bullet"

25. Q: "Why did you shoot him in the left eye?" A: "I Didn't, I shot my foot and the bullet bounced off."

OZ

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz, so they decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Parrot

A young punk gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

Diner

Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained. The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

Thoughts to Ponder

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

Did you ever wonder.

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

4. How did a fool and his money GET together?

5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

7. What's another word for thesaurus?

8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

11. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?

15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

16. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

18. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

19. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

22. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

23. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

24. Is there another word for synonym?

25. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

26. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

27. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

28. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

29. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

30. Why do they report power outages on TV?

31. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

32. Is it possible to be totally partial?

33. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

34. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

35. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

36. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

37. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

38. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

39. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

40. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

41. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

42. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

43. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

To sharpen your mind...ponder the following:

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

5. How is it possible to have a civil war?

6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids?

17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

19. What happens when none of your bees wax?

20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

24. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

25. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

26. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

27. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

28. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

29. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

30. And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Reciprocity

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never behome, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Tom Thumb

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton"

White House Internship Application

Application for White House Internship

BASIC INFORMATION: Name: ___ (Honey) ___ (Sweetie) ___ (Babe) (check all applicable)

Age: ___ (21 or under) ___ (not eligible) (check only one)

Sex: _______(Y/N)

Dress size: _______

EDUCATION AND GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:

How many men did you date in college? ___

Typically, what did you do on a first date?

(A) Sex

(B) Oral sex

(C) Both

(D) None of the above (If answer is D, please disregard remainder of application)

Define "adultery":

(A) Sexual intercourse, including actual penetration and ejaculation, between a married person and someone other than that person's spouse.

(B) Anything less (Hint, answer is "A")

Which of the following do not fit within the technical definition of "improper relationship": (circle all applicable)

(A) An elected official having sex with a 21-year old in the White House while his wife is in the next room

(B) An elected official using law enforcement officers to solicit dates for him

What do you think of the novel Lolita?

Have you studied the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution?

OFFICE SKILLS:

Please circle all skills you possess:

(A) Discretion

(B) Lying under oath

(C) Evading service of process

(D) Big breasts Typing speed: ___ (if unknown, substitute bra size)

Do you know how to check for a wiretap? ___

PERSONAL:

Do you have a younger sister? ___

Describe the type of men you prefer to date:

(A) Young, athletic, intelligent, and filled with integrity

(B) Fat pedophiles

Do you like cheeseburgers? ___

Choose the item below that best describes your personality:

(A) Naive, insecure, and trusting

(B) Ineligible for this job

How many drinks does it take for you to lose control of your judgment?

REFERENCES:

Do you know any male member of the Kennedy family?

Do you know Kenneth Starr?

UPON COMPLETION:

Please submit this application along with a writing sample (or your panties) to the White House Staff Coordinator's office. You may receive a telephone call with further questions. For security reasons, the telephone caller will not identify himself and will breathe heavily.

Thanks Bill !!

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